Why do I find it so much easier to talk about Vince’s illnesses than my own? Is it because his are physical and mine are not? Maybe it’s simply because it’s him, not me. If I look at it like that, that sounds quite unfair if you ask me. I am willing to discuss all of his medical situations and ask for support, but when it comes to my own, I want to run and hide and not tell anyone? Why should I feel any different? I don’t know, but I do. I think part of the reason is that this is who he is. Type 1 Diabetic. Practically since birth. It’s part of him and has always been part of him. Well, that is not the case for me. You see, I have Anxiety. Really bad Anxiety. I developed it about 5-6 years ago. I found myself yelling at Vince for no reason at all. Crying on Sunday nights because I was so stressed about the work week to come. Racing thoughts in my head about this or that. I always shrugged it off as me being a little stressed. I remember the Sunday afternoon when Vince pleaded with me to go to the doctor. I was crying, bawling, on the side of the bed as Vince just sat there with me asking me over and over why I was crying. I said “I don’t know” and it was true. I had no idea why I was so upset. I said maybe I am just a little hormonal. He said, this has been happening more and more. I think it’s a little more than that. A short time later, I made an appointment to see our family doctor and was put on Lexapro. I began to feel a lot better. Around the same time, I began seeing a therapist too so I could start to deal with everything going on. It wasn’t the first time I saw a therapist. Having divorced parents, I had been on quite a few couches in my life as a child. People asking me this and that about my parents. Well here I am, now an adult and dealing with new problems. Anxiety and depression runs in my family and affects multiple family members, but it was never me. I always thought of it as “their problem” not mine. Not my disease or mental problem. I like to think I was always the quiet, caring, calm, and collective person however I no longer feel this way. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I told Vince about this recently and he said what do you mean? You’re not a child anymore, so of course you won’t be the exact same person as you once were. Your still all these things. The anxiety hasn’t changed who you are. I understand that but I feel like it has. I feel like it has made me an uneasy, and “hyper” like person. I often wish I could go back to the days before I had anxiety. Before all of the worrying and racing thoughts. I have good days and bad and have tried a few different medications but I feel best on the Lexapro and the Xanax for any especially bad days I have. I know I need to accept that this is the “new me” but it isn’t easy.
Monday, August 27, 2012
What? Huh? What was that?
A few titles for this one…But decided on the most creative…
Never Think It’s not related…
What ISN’T a Diabetic complication…
This can’t be…
About 6 months or so ago, Vince complained he couldn’t hear out of his right ear. We went to one of our family doctors and they flushed the ear however nothing came out so they sent him on his way. When the problem persisted, we went to see our regular family doctor and he also flushed out the ear. Again, nothing came out. He said there was some wax build up, but the other ear actually “looked” more clogged than the one he complained about. He flushed both ears and suggested he see an ENT specialist. Shortly after, I called the specialist and made an appointment. Due to my work schedule, and the fact that I am running out of vacation time at my full time job, I pushed back the appointment about another month to a day I already had planned to be off. (you would think 21 days off a year would be enough, but nope) We finally went to the appointment and met with the doctor. After filling out the paperwork on his medical history, the doctor came in and looked in his ears. He also said that there was some wax, but the “good” ear was more built up than the bad ear. He physically removed the wax from both ears and sent us to another part of the hospital for an extensive hearing test. Afterwards, we went back to the doctor’s office for the results. The doctor explained that there is very significant hearing loss in the right ear which he thinks is due to fluid in the inner ear. What the test also showed however is that both ears have some sort of hearing loss. He showed us lot’s of charts and graphs that were a result of the test but basically, his hearing was barely at the normal line, aside from the suspected fluid. He said this could be hereditary or Diabetic related. At that point, I did not worry too much. He gave Vince some instructions on some over the counter medication to take and instructed us to come back in 3 weeks to see if the fluid was gone or not. If not, they would cut the ear drum and drain the fluid. I thought this sounded relatively normal for a “fluid in the ear” situation. It wasn’t until days later, that Vince expressed how concerned he was that got me thinking. What if this was yet another Diabetic complication in the works?? All this time, I had brushed it off as a normal, non emergency type of situation and underestimated how bad the problem really was. Of course I did what your never supposed to do, but I always do: I googled “Hearing Loss + Diabetes” Below is a link that came up. I am inclined to believe what I am reading since it is the American Diabetes Association site. It seems that this problem is not a known complication, but a true complication that can arise. GREAT. All I can do now is hope to God that it is simple fluid and not another complication. He already has significant vision loss. Please let’s not lose hearing too.
Friday, August 24, 2012
An Idea....
I have been throwing around the thought of creating a second blog that focuses on my struggles as a wife, caregiver, and person with Anxiety. Although Diabetes will probably be a big topic, it will not soley focus on the subject like this blog. I am wondering however, if I will find the support like I have found in the DOC. What are your thoughts?
A "Good" Phase
Vince feeling his lows seems to go in phases and depends on the severity of the low and how fast he drops etc. If the CGM alerts him far enough in advance, he seems to do pretty good however if he is too drowsy to hear the alarm, he is less likely to be able to respond and take action. We seem to be in a good phase lately with him catching his lows. They have been coming in the wee early morning hours right now and he has been coherent enough to get up and get cereal to catch them before they become severe. I have been finding him up when I get up for work. So glad he is catching them! That CGM alert is doing its job!!! I know these phases don’t last forever (maybe I’m being pessimistic but I know how these things work) so I am enjoying the break from “shoving food and drink in his mouth as he is asleep” phase. Until it returns….. J
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I Am Rambling.....
Have I taken on too much? I don’t think so. At least the better part of me thinks I haven’t. I look at it like this: Yes, I work 50-60 hours a week however I don’t have a big social life so it’s not like I don’t have the time, right? I think what I am realizing is that I have the time but maybe not the mental time and energy. I think I have to keep working at it and give myself a chance to adjust to the new working schedule. I have been so tired lately between working, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of Vince, but when do you say enough is enough? That it might be too much. I feel like I should be able to handle all this without a problem however, as I have been told in the past, I seem to be a bit harsh with the expectations I have for myself. I see things that need to be done for us to keep going so I just do them and push all problems or feelings aside. Someone has to do them, right? Between the two of us, I am obviously the more healthy person so I gotta do what I gotta do.
Am I rambling? Yes. Yes I am. Why? Because I am tired physically and mentally and it has caused my anxiety that I had under control recently to flare up again. I really hate that I have anxiety. I never had it in the past. It does run in my family though, but why now? Why did I get it now? I don’t feel like my normal self. I’m referring to my normal self from 6 or more years ago. What happened to that Sandy? Calm and collective. Thought with a clear head. Was I really always as normal as I remember? Or did I always have some sort of anxiety that I didn’t recognize until it got bad? I don’t know but I guess what I need to do is work on accepting the fact that I have it and I need to accept that it is who I am now whether I like it or not. Just needed to vent that…………
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
One More Time
I tweaked my URL again. I think I am done now! Please follow me here!
lifewithadiabeticspouse.blogspot.com
lifewithadiabeticspouse.blogspot.com
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