These Are The Days I Feel There Is Too Much Weight On My Shoulders

It's Sunday night. Vince says he thinks he should go to the doctor. His ear hurts. It must be an infection. So I call my supervisor, who is the most understanding boss (and friend) I could ask for. I let her know I will be in late tomorrow morning. No problem she says.

Monday morning. I wake up around 8:30AM on my own. I haven't been sleeping very well the past few nights. I wait until 9AM and call the doctor for an appointment. We get an appointment for 11AM. Around 10AM I go to wake Vince up and let him know about the appointment. He is having a very drowsy morning. He gets up and gets dressed only to sit down and sleep on the couch while I put his shoes and socks on and get him ready to leave. We leave soon and he dozes off once again in the car. He was so drowsy that at one point he woke up during the drive and thought I was driving to my work. When we get to the office, we have a seat in the waiting room. He dozes off again. Soon we are taken back to the room to wait for the doctor. He steps up on the table and has a seat. I take a seat in the room as well. He sits there, falling in and out of sleep as I watch him hoping he doesn't literally fall off the table as he sways back and forth in his sleep. I hear the doctor coming towards our room so I quickly wake him up so she doesn't see. She checks him out and gives him a script and we are on our way. We went to the pharmacy next door and then got back into the car, where he promptly dozes off again. Once we are home, he gets back into bed, I put drops in his ear and off snoring he goes back to sleep.

After I have some lunch, I am off to work for a half day. I am left feeling stressed out. The thing that makes these situations even worse is that I try to wake him up during the "dozing off" periods and his usual response is either "I'm okay" or "I'm awake" Now both of those just frustrates me even more. No your not okay, your about to fall off the table, or where ever you happen to be because your sleeping sitting up. Also, no your not awake. I can see you sleeping, head and body bobbing back and forth as you do so.

So to end this venting of a post: I HATE NEUROPATHY MEDICATIONS AND HOW THEY CHANGE WHO HE IS. This is not him. Days like this, I feel like I lost him in there somewhere and I just want my normal Vince back.

Today's Conversation Got Me Thinking

There are a lot of people around me that do not know my story. Coworkers for example. I do not go around broadcasting my troubles. But if I get into a conversation and it comes up, I am happy to share. I almost feel like it helps explain why I might look stressed or be a bit wacky some days! When talking to people about my life and situation, they always have the same reactions: You are so awesome! How do you do it? Your going straight upstairs. Did his disability start before you were married? yada yada yada I get awkward with this. I don't know how to reply. I don't always feel as strong as they make me out to be. I don't always think I can keep going. How DO I do it?

Thinking back, the majority of Vince's disabilities began to happen while we planned our wedding in 2007. It started a bit before that time, but that is the point when I remember everything really crashing down around us. His pain went from a little to a lot and his vision went very quickly; almost overnight. It was such a scary time. I remember sitting with Vince outside the first emergency eye doctor's appointment in the car when we left and we just cried. We bawled. We had no idea what was going to happen and how we were going to handle it all. We had just been told that BOTH of his eyes were in serious trouble and the doctor did not give much hope at all. He referred Vince to a specialist and in not so many words, said good luck and that specialist was Vince's best chance he had. We were scared to death. I remember going home and we went straight to bed. No dinner. No nothing. Straight to sleep. I remember thinking, if I just go to sleep, it will all go away. And it did. Untill I woke up and literally said to myself, "No, it wasn't a dream. This is real" I remember working and sleeping for the next few days. We didn't even tall family or friends at first what was going on. We were terrified.

Now, remember when I said the vision issues happened in the middle of us planning our wedding? It wasn't until years later that I realized this when someone asked me when it happened and proceeded to praise me. I never understood why they praise me. I still don't. To be completely honest, I NEVER once in that process can remember thinking maybe we should stop, not get married and end this. I honestly can't foresee having that thought if you are truly in love with someone. How would you want to leave them when they need you most? Doesn't that go against what marriage stands for? It's just not rational to me. Sure in my weak moments I ask myself how I can go on. How can I keep doing this. That it's just too hard. But once I calm down and think clearly, those thoughts go right out the window. I would never dream of deserting Vince over a medical problem. God knows, he would never do that to me. If I even have a sniffle, he sends me straight to bed with a hug and kiss to get my rest.

So what keeps me going? Well, some days, it feels like nothing. It feels like it's all too much and I just want to stop. But those days are few and far between. There has to be a good amount of bad days in a row for me to start thinking like that. So, I don't have one clear answer but I can honestly say that Vince is one thing that keeps me going. Although, most of my stress comes from his illness' he is the one that is by my side, wiping my tears, and telling me it will all be okay. He is the only one that can say it will all be okay, and I actually believe it. It's the truth. And knowing I have that and can rely on that is all I need to keep me going.

Old Language Vs New

"Technical Terms"
Insulin Dependent Diabetes
Juvenile Diabetes
Type 1 Diabetes
Type 2 Diabetes
Diabetes

"Not so much"
The Bad One
The One That is Worse
The Pill One
The Adult One

It's a wonder the public is confused. I would be too; there was a time I was. Some of these are true terms for the disease and others are really just how people describe them. I find that the older generation uses the incorrect language more so than the younger. I also find that people who have had it for many years, usually Type 1, sometimes also use the old verbage, such as Juvenile Diabetes. I even find myself using that term sometimes, just to avoid confusion.

I find I don't mind explaining the differences to people. I figure it is one more person that will know. Spread the knowledge, right? I think that the people that have Type 2, along with the non Diabetics, are the most "confused" or "ignorant" Ignorant in a lack of knowledge sense. Not a rude or mean sense. If you talk to a Type 1 Diabetic, there is no explaining what so ever. Is this the doctor's not explaining the condition enough when people are diagnosed, in particular with Type 2? Not sure, but hopefully people will know more and more.

Lot's Of Questions, Trying To Sort Out The Answers For Myself

What is the definition of family? Is it the group of people whom you were born to and/or raised you? Is it simply the people in your life that you are closest to? If you don’t have family, who do you have? Do you have friends? Do you have someone else’s family to rely on and to think of as your own? To be there for you when no one else is? Will they be there for you long term?

How do you know when to take a step back and build a protective wall around yourself? When is the right time to say enough is enough? How do you know when the right time is to put your foot down and stick up for yourself and your feelings? Are there people that should get a pass in how they treat you simply because they are family? If you stick up for yourself and it causes you and your family to divide, is it worth it? Or should you have kept it all quiet and kept on taking the abuse? How long should you keep letting your feelings get hurt before you take it into your own hands and stop it?

Once you put a stop to being hurt over and over, what are you supposed to do if it means you can no longer be around your family? The family that has been there all along, even though it has been rocky? How are you supposed to get over the hurt of having to chose to let them go in order to protect yourself from the constant hurt and let down? You talk to therapist after therapist about letting them go and building the wall between yourselves, and they reassure you that you are doing this in order to protect yourself, but how do you let go of the guilt and the fear of not having your family in your life any longer? They remind you that family does not mean blood and that family does not mean they can treat you any way they please, but how do you get past that word, family? Haven’t we as a society been conditioned to put family on a pedestal? What if that family makes you more stressed, hurt, and anxiety ridden than happy? Is it okay to let them go in order to find your own happiness?

A Long Time Coming...

The title of this post means more than just one thing. Although I am not ready to share details of what has been going on, I did want to write a post addressing it. I apologize in advance if this doesn’t make a lot of sense since I am not sharing details, but I wanted to write what has been on my mind.

So what has been a long time coming? Well, this post for one. After everything that has recently happened, I have been at a loss for words. How am I supposed to blog if my thoughts aren’t even clear? If my head feels so confused. Then you have the recent event. As much as I didn’t know, it has been a long time coming as well. It seems that I was so focused on getting through day to day, that I lost sight of the big picture. Vince has been having a very hard time recently. He is so good at hiding it, that I didn’t even realize what was going on around me. Maybe there were signs and I ignored them.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, one of my worst fears and nightmares almost came true. I still replay the events of that night and the week that followed in my head over and over. Every detail from the start of that night, through the entire week. As I replay everything in my head, I think I am trying to figure out how I got through it. Of course that answer is clear. Vince’s family. Without them, I would have lost 50 pounds and been a complete mess that week. Words will never express the love I have for them. For helping us through that hard time and for always being there without hesitation.  I didn’t know what to feel at the time and I still don’t. Was I happy that everything turned out okay or was I was feeling sadness, anger, betrayal, and hurt. Quite honestly, I think it was and still is everything combined. Talk about being confused. I have spent the better part of the last 6 or so years making sure nothing bad happens to Vince. He has so many health problems. I just couldn’t handle if anything else happened to him. What if I ever lost him? It would feel like my world would literally stop in its tracks and fall apart. How would I ever move on? I surely couldn’t go home to our house without him, and that has now been proven. He is my partner and my best buddy in everything I do in life. I don’t have a family that supports me and the life I have chosen. I would feel so alone.  I now know that I have his family and can rely on them for support, but it still scares me.

Vince’s medical issues have affected our marriage in so many ways. It has affected us physically and mentally. Add in my anxiety, and it is a recipe for disaster. Some days I just cry. All I can do is cry until there are no tears left. I even get to a point where I forget why I started crying and yet the tears still flow hysterically, sometimes for hours. My very recent cry was about the “normal” marriage I feel that Vince and I have been robbed of. When I say normal, Vince along with our therapist, ask me what I think is normal. I admit. Maybe normal isn’t the right word. But when you think of a marriage, a few distinct things pop into your head and a lot of those things are not a part of our marriage right now. I wouldn’t know how to act if I had a husband that wasn’t diabetic. One who didn’t rely on me to care for him. Once you do something long enough, it becomes natural for you. I don’t feel like I am different. Well, that is until I stop pushing my thoughts and feelings deep down. Eventually, every so often, something happens that makes them come to the surface and I am reminded that we are not normal. We do not have the life we wanted. We don’t have the marriage we both dreamed of. We don’t have children to call our own. To raise and to love. But when I finally calm down and Vince talks me through my tears, it all seems okay. It all gets pushed back down, deep down, until next time. Until the next cry comes. With the recent event, Vince and I are trying to communicate better. I feel we have always had decent communication but I think sometimes, we don’t completely tell the other what is on our mind because we know it will break their heart. I don’t have the heart to tell him what I feel our marriage is lacking. Because I know he is doing what he can. But now, we are trying. We are trying to tell one another what is really bothering us. Because as we have seen recently, holding it in is just going to cause someone to eventually cave.