A Prayer

I recently noticed a framed prayer my friend/co worker had sitting on her desk and I absolutely love it. The words are so strong:

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

A Drowsy Low

It happened again. I knew it would. That is how Diabetes works. You think all is fine and then all of the sudden, it acts up and misbehaves.

Vince had a low this morning. A really bad Low. A 40 low. He doesn’t see many lows like that anymore. It was shortly before I got up for work. His CGM was beeping away. We both tend to ignore it at night right now because they are almost always false alarms. Well, Vince finally got up and realized he was low. He sat on the edge of the bed and I asked him what he was doing. He wouldn’t answer. I asked him again. And again. Still no answer. Just as I was about to lose my cool, he said he was low. I asked him if he needed help and he said no, he would be ok. So he got up and went to the kitchen. As soon as I saw the light go on and knew he was getting something to eat, I drifted off back to sleep. I woke up some time later (not sure how long, but it wasn’t too long) to my alarm clock for work. He was still in the kitchen. I went out and asked if he was okay. He said he was 40 but he had eaten and was alright.

‘Then why was he still in the kitchen’ I thought? Well, good old neuropathy medication at its best was doing what it does best. Making him super drowsy. He was nodding in and out of sleep while standing at the kitchen counter. In these moments, I have been known to lose my cool and get aggravated with him. He doesn’t even realize he is sleeping so when I tell him to go to bed he says right away ‘I’m fine. I’m not sleeping.’ When he clearly is. So I got him to the bed and he wanted to floss his teeth. ‘Ok, be patient Sandy’, I thought. He started rocking back and forth in his drowsiness state so I suggested he just lay down and go to sleep. Well, that he did but he took the toothpick with him. As he is picking his teeth, laying down, he starts to doze off. I wake him up and ask him to put the tooth pick down so he doesn’t hurt himself. He is upset and frustrated with me. He insists he is not dozing off. Then it turns into a fight. All I want to do is keep him safe. So he puts it down and I storm off.

It’s not fair. We never fight when he is in a normal state of mind. It is the darn medication and the side effects that cause tension. A fine line between me keeping my cool and keeping him safe and him trying so hard to take care of himself so he doesn’t feel like a child is a tough line to walk.

This is One of Those Hard Times

This is one of those times when my guilt gets the best of me. This isn't the first time and since medical issues are involved, it won't be the last. But when this happens, I feel such extremely guilt. Fear even. So many emotions. You are probably asking what on earth could it be.

As I explained in my last few posts, we have had a very busy few weeks. Between vince being sick with bronchitis and the photo shoot and the doctor appointments, he is flat out exhausted. Well, we are supposed to go with our friend to New Jersey for a day trip tomorrow but Vince said he is just to worn out and tired to go.

It's not even that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. The rational side of me knows this.  The anxious and sensitive side of me doesn't know it. I have gotten so much grief in the past when Vince could not be at a specific event or gathering. My guilt takes over and I get so afraid people will be upset or even mad at us. I know there are rational reasons for him being limited. He does after all have more than a few chronic illnesses. I know this. But when other people don't understand the situation for what it is, it makes it so hard for me. I am a people pleaser. I just want to do what makes everyone else happy and approving.

Why do I let it get to me? I know the situation we have and what he is capable of. If other people don't understand, why does it get to me? I don't know. I am working working on it though. Working on not feeling guilty over so many things in life.

But I am happy to say that our dear friend, who is like a second Mom to me, is the sweetest, most understanding person I have ever known. I know she won't be upset but past experiences along with my silly guilty tendencies still make it hard when I feel like we are disappointing someone.

A Busy Week!

What a busy week it has been!

We started the week off with the photo shoot for the magazine.  Then on Thursday, Vince had his routine follow up with the pain management doctor (who we love!! He is great!). I have also been seeing him recently as well. It turns out that I did not escape the genetic back issues that run in my family. I have had strange symptoms off and on for about a year. The doctor, after seeing me a few times, thinks I have spinal stenosis. Last year, my left arm kept going numb and ached when I turned my head to the left. I went to see him and he sent me to physical therapy and gave me some exercises and it seems to clear up the discomfort and the symptoms. Well, in the last 6 months, I noticed my leg muscles keep spasming at night. It got to the point that I was no longer able to sleep so I went in to see the doctor again. Little did I know, the two things were related to my back. So at this point, the doctor said since he has an x-ray of my back/neck, that is good enough for now. He gave me pointers on how to sit properly at work during the day, and be aware of posture in hopes not to irritate it further. He also gave me some medicine to help the spasms. So we will see where that goes. So far, so good for the most part. We also had our counseling appointment last night. We go every 3 weeks or so. Sometimes we have a lot to talk about, sometimes like last night, we don’t. Things are good right now. If the stress picks up again, I am sure we will have more to talk about but our counselor is great. He is so understanding of the situation Vince and I are in and understand the stress that medical illnesses can cause.

The appointments continue today with a visit to a new cardiologist for Vince. His Endocrinologist does a great job at checking and controlling his blood pressure and cholesterol, however when he was recently at an Urgent Care facility for his Bronchitis, a chest x-ray showed an issue with his heart. They are pretty sure it was related to the Bronchitis, but we are not taking any chances. I am sure it is nothing, but you can never be too careful. Especially when your family has the worst possible genes when it comes to heart disease.

Finally, we are ending our busy week with a day trip with our dear friend Barb to her shore house in Ocean Grove, NJ. It is only just over 1 hour away so Vince should fair okay in the car. They are having a huge Flea Market in the town so it will be a fun day!

Next week we have two more routine follow up doctor appointments for Vince and then things should settle for a little while as far as appointments go.

Magazine Appearance!

A month or so ago, I was contacted by Diabetes Forecast. They had apparently found Vince and I through my blog. They are writing an article about the complications of Diabetes and wanted to feature Vince. He set up a phone interview with a writer from the magazine and they discussed his complications. Everything from how and when he was diagnosed with the complications, to how he is living with the disabilities today.

At that point, we were not sure how much of his phone interview would be in the article. All we were told is that the article will be in the November issue of the magazine. Then, we were surprised by another email from the woman who asked if they could send out a photographer for a photo shoot with Vince. We were so excited! Within two days, we got him a nice new outfit, a new hair cut, and cleaned the house in preperation for the shoot. They came out and did a few shots for the article. I took some behind the scenes photos:

I asked the photographer if he could take a picture of us with my phone and he actually took one with my phone AND with his camera. I am not sure if it will be in the magazine though since the article is not about my role in his care, but we will see.

 These are a few photos showing him walking for excersize. Although he normally walks around our apartment and in the yard, they asked that we pick a more scenic area so we found a local park with a walking path.

These last two are showing how he uses his stationary bike for excersize and to keep his legs mobile.

We still do not know how little or big this article is going to turn out, but nonetheless it is very exciting. Whether it is just a small picture and information about him, or an entire article on him, we are not sure, but we will share once we get the issue!