The title of this post means more than just one thing. Although I am not ready to share details of what has been going on, I did want to write a post addressing it. I apologize in advance if this doesn’t make a lot of sense since I am not sharing details, but I wanted to write what has been on my mind.
So what has been a long time coming? Well, this post for one. After everything that has recently happened, I have been at a loss for words. How am I supposed to blog if my thoughts aren’t even clear? If my head feels so confused. Then you have the recent event. As much as I didn’t know, it has been a long time coming as well. It seems that I was so focused on getting through day to day, that I lost sight of the big picture. Vince has been having a very hard time recently. He is so good at hiding it, that I didn’t even realize what was going on around me. Maybe there were signs and I ignored them.
The Sunday after Thanksgiving, one of my worst fears and nightmares almost came true. I still replay the events of that night and the week that followed in my head over and over. Every detail from the start of that night, through the entire week. As I replay everything in my head, I think I am trying to figure out how I got through it. Of course that answer is clear. Vince’s family. Without them, I would have lost 50 pounds and been a complete mess that week. Words will never express the love I have for them. For helping us through that hard time and for always being there without hesitation. I didn’t know what to feel at the time and I still don’t. Was I happy that everything turned out okay or was I was feeling sadness, anger, betrayal, and hurt. Quite honestly, I think it was and still is everything combined. Talk about being confused. I have spent the better part of the last 6 or so years making sure nothing bad happens to Vince. He has so many health problems. I just couldn’t handle if anything else happened to him. What if I ever lost him? It would feel like my world would literally stop in its tracks and fall apart. How would I ever move on? I surely couldn’t go home to our house without him, and that has now been proven. He is my partner and my best buddy in everything I do in life. I don’t have a family that supports me and the life I have chosen. I would feel so alone. I now know that I have his family and can rely on them for support, but it still scares me.