Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Babbling
I am exhausted. Tired. Stressed. I don't know how to release it. The only thing that helps is to cry it all out. Cry out the stress and frustration. Stress from Vince's diabetes and neuropathy. Stress from buying our first house. Stress from trying to start a family. Stress of finding more medical problems along the way with Vince. Stress of a new job and being so busy at work that it stresses me even more. Stress of the freaking 7 days of straight rain and seeing Vince in bed all day from the pain. Stress of Vince being nauseous and not really knowing why other than maybe one of his meds causing it, maybe. Stress of Vince having headaches with no explanation except maybe his stress is causing them, maybe. How much more can I or even we take? I am tired. Tired of it all and tired of being tired. Tired of being annoyed by people who don't know the real me/us or don't understand me/us. Why does this make me mad? How could they know? They don't live my life. Why do I get mad when people who have young kids make comments to me like 'you have no idea how hard it is, just wait' you want to talk about hard? I know I have never had kids but I have a hard time believing it is harder than what I deal with. I stay up during the night. I wake up multiple times a night. I stress about another ones well being. I spend more time in doctors offices and hospitals than they probably do. I can't or won't leave Vince alone overnight or for to long without worrying (although for good reason) All this sounds similar to being a parent. I hate that people don't understand but I hate hating it even more. I am tired and worn out. I started a hobby. Crocheting. Sure it helps, but not enough. I started blogging. Sure it also helps, but not enough. What is the only thing that helps? When we get a break. A true break. One day of low grade pain and good numbers bring such a relief, even though it makes the next day ten times as hard when reality decides to shove it's way back into our home and life. I hate reality right now. It's not fair. I am married to the most loving man I could ask for. Why don't we ever get a break? He doesn't deserve this. We don't deserve this. If we are this happy in our marriage now, what would it be like to have a normal life? I can't imagine how much more wonderful our life would be. But no. We have what we have.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have looked into this or if you would even consider it, but . . . since Vince is on disability, would he be eligible for some minimal home health care (otherwise known as respite for you, the spouse?) If so, it might give you a chance to get away once in awhile for some much-needed mental health time. Maybe lunch with a girfriend, etc.? I know I do much better with myself AND my husband when I can get away once in awhile, even it it's only for a short time. It is actually good for BOTH of us! Please forgive me if I have put my nose in where it doesn't belong; just am worried about you!
Take care,
Lilly
Hi Lilly, that is the thing. He doesn't really NEED it...I can go out for the afternoon with a friend if I wanted, just as I go to work during the week. I just chose not to. That is something I need to work on within myself I suppose. Even when I am away from him, I am still stressing about everything going on. It isn't until he has a good day that I feel better. But I know I need to take more time for myself. I am just very bad at doing it. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Sandy. Life can throw you things we would rather not deal with. But I am glad you can still say you have a happy marriage even as things stand.
ReplyDeleteAs well as having a CWD I have a close friend with D too. She seems to be having increasingly worse Hypos. She is single and lives with her sister. She is looking into medical alarms for her to be able to raise the alarm if she can't deal with it herself. I don't know what is available in the US but have you considered that to give you extra piece of mind for taking time out. Just an idea.
Funny you mention this. I have looked into something like that but the only thing we could find was a place that would call the house at a designated time of day. If he didn't answer than they would call me...I felt me calling him was the same thing if not better....I wish there was something better but for now we have his CGM sensor and that has been a godsend...maybe there will be something better in the future....
ReplyDeleteSandy,
ReplyDeleteYou are right. You don't deserve any of this: The stress; the inconsiderate comments; none of this.
I am happy you have a wonderful husband: You do deserve this.
Hang in there.
S
That is the hard part for me...others not "getting" it. I think that is why I started writing in the first place. I needed to get it out somewhere, anywhere...b/c I would just get so annoyed and I would harbor that inside.
ReplyDeleteVent away sister. We are here for you. I do take comfort that Vince is a lovely human being...who loves you dearly ... AND...you him. It shines through on here, in your writing.
xoxo
Sandy
ReplyDeletelike Lilly, I don't want to intrude
that feeling of helplessness is awful
you feel like so much is on your shoulders that sometimes it just feels as if you are going to collapse from all of the weight!
And the days when all you want to do is cry?
Oh, sister, I have been there....
But, here is my thought
Sandy, I would really like for you to see a counselor
the first time I went, I was in your shoes - I had no time, no money, no concept of how to get out of the hole I was in
I found a wonderful counselor who saw me on Saturday mornings for some very small amount of money
and I was shocked! this was the first time in my life that I met someone who did not judge me AT ALL! She listened, she offered insight, she asked questions, she was just there -- just for me! It was awesome. she helped me understand that I'm not in this alone, that there was a way out. I had to take some steps -- but there was a way.
You said it yourself - its your "thing" that you can't leave Vince alone -- so you need someone to talk to
Please take care of yourself
otherwise Vince won't have you to love anymore
Reyna- why do we get so mad when people don't understand? I don't know, but yes, it makes me angry!!! I am surprised you can see in my writing how close and how much Vince and I love each other. It amazes me that we have such a loving and strong marriage. We are truly best friends
ReplyDeleteToms wife - I actually have a therapist who I used to see almost weekly. Around the time I started blogging I actually felt that I was getting more "therapy" on here than from her so I told her. She said well anytime you need me you just call, so I have her number if I need her. She was very sweet.