Friday, August 5, 2011

Where Did That Come From?

As I drove home from work, a thought crept into my mind. A thought that I have worked very hard to push far away as much as possible. It was the "what if Vince dies" thought. I am not sure where this came from today. I had a decent day at work. No episodes at home with Vince. But still, as I drove home to Vince, I caught myself thinking about what would happen if he died. He normally naps in the afternoon, so as I am driving, I am thinking that I will go home to wake him. And then it starts. What if I walk in the house and find him not breathing? Who would I call for help? 911 I suppose, and then family? I am certified for CPR (a great perk at work) but do I remember how to perform it? I have the manual in the magazine rack in the bathroom. But if it was an emergency, I am sure I wouldn't be able to do it. What if I do it wrong? I guess something would be better than nothing, right? What if he doesn't make it? How will I go on without him emotionally? I don't think I could even go home. No, definitely not. Where would I go? Everything around me would have "Vince" written all over it. How would I survive financially? I suppose there is always life insurance. Would I even want the money for myself? No, it would be better for him to just be here, darn it! I guess I could get a second job. I wouldn't have anything to be home for anyway at that point. Then I finally realize what is going through my head, and I snap myself out of it. I ask myself where that came from and I don't have an answer. I used to sit at my desk at work and stare at the photos I have on my desk of me and him, and think about all of the same questions and fears. I have been good lately at not letting myself go there, but it seems every once in a while, my mind ignores me and goes there anyway. I would think that any married person would have this fear, but it seems that for me, it is more serious situations and more often. The only thing I can imagine is that the one time when I awoke in bed with him, years ago, to find him unconscious. Since then, the fear has been real.


  1. this post definitely hit home for me Sandy...especially the part about what would you do if you came home to find him not breathing. Every morning I walk into my daughters room I have that panic attack too. Sending you HUGS and I hope your thoughts of those frightening "what ifs" are quiet now.

  2. Sandy,
    I totally understand that fear.
    The trips to the hospital?
    the middle of the night insulin reactions?
    the car accidents?
    believe me, there have been many times when I wondered whether he would survive..
    and then I have those moments when I'm alone and wonder what I would do without him

    there were times when things were really bad and I wondered if I would find him dead when getting home from work
    would the dog have helped him?
    would the neighbors have found him when he fell in the yard the next time it happened?
    (yea, he passed out, hit his head on the concrete and cracked his head open) fortunately a neighbor saw, called another neighbor who is a nurse and got him cared for before I even knew about it
    I believe many of us understand this in a way that people who don't live with a life-threatening disease just haven't felt before

    but we are here and we are understanding
    its natural
    we all panic sometimes
    scared? yes
    getting stronger because of it?
    of course!

    hang in there
    you have one of the toughest jobs in the world
    and you will handle it!