Friday, August 5, 2011
Where Did That Come From?
As I drove home from work, a thought crept into my mind. A thought that I have worked very hard to push far away as much as possible. It was the "what if Vince dies" thought. I am not sure where this came from today. I had a decent day at work. No episodes at home with Vince. But still, as I drove home to Vince, I caught myself thinking about what would happen if he died. He normally naps in the afternoon, so as I am driving, I am thinking that I will go home to wake him. And then it starts. What if I walk in the house and find him not breathing? Who would I call for help? 911 I suppose, and then family? I am certified for CPR (a great perk at work) but do I remember how to perform it? I have the manual in the magazine rack in the bathroom. But if it was an emergency, I am sure I wouldn't be able to do it. What if I do it wrong? I guess something would be better than nothing, right? What if he doesn't make it? How will I go on without him emotionally? I don't think I could even go home. No, definitely not. Where would I go? Everything around me would have "Vince" written all over it. How would I survive financially? I suppose there is always life insurance. Would I even want the money for myself? No, it would be better for him to just be here, darn it! I guess I could get a second job. I wouldn't have anything to be home for anyway at that point. Then I finally realize what is going through my head, and I snap myself out of it. I ask myself where that came from and I don't have an answer. I used to sit at my desk at work and stare at the photos I have on my desk of me and him, and think about all of the same questions and fears. I have been good lately at not letting myself go there, but it seems every once in a while, my mind ignores me and goes there anyway. I would think that any married person would have this fear, but it seems that for me, it is more serious situations and more often. The only thing I can imagine is that the one time when I awoke in bed with him, years ago, to find him unconscious. Since then, the fear has been real.