I realized something recently. Maybe I didn't just realize it. Maybe I am just admitting it to myself. I am angry. Angry at our stresses. I am taking it out on Vince. I hate this. I am always yelling at him. Yelling at him to "quick, sit down!" when he his legs are shaky and weak and he is about to fall. Yelling at him to "just stop! why do you keep trying when your shaking that bad?" when he is trying to type on the computer and his hands are shaking uncontrollably. Why am I yelling at him?? I am not mad at him. I don't mean to yell. But I do. I hate myself for it. I have been trying to stop myself as much as I can. I realize that I am mad at his medical problems, not him. It's almost as if when I see him physically hurting or being limited physically, it makes me mad that it has happened and this is how it comes out.
So now I am mad at Neuropathy and I am mad at myself for taking it out on him. I suppose I don't yell as much as I think, or else I think our marriage wouldn't be so strong. But I still feel so guilty. He asks me, begs me, all the time to just stop yelling. I feel horrible. I need to find a better way to cope and deal because it's just not fair to him. I feel like such a horrible wife. Even as I write this out. Writing this down on "paper" I am feeling more guilty with every word I type. Maybe I needed to write it down. Maybe it will help me come to realization within myself that it's not right and not fair to yell through my frustrations. I hope I am more successful in trying to be more calm, because he doesn't deserve this. Any of it; the neuropathy, diabetes, or a mad wife.
When I talk to him about it, he says he completely understands why I yell and get frustrated. He has even said he doesn't know how I work 40 hours a week and take care of him and the house. He says he understands why I am frustrated and yell, he just wishes I wouldn't take it out on him, even though he knows I don't mean to. As I am trying to think of a way to end this post, and I am questioning if I should actually post it to my blog. Do I want everyone to know that I am angry and I yell sometimes? No. I don't. But I think if I post it, then maybe it will become more real in my mind, and maybe it will help me to stop and have more patience. Because the only one I am hurting by not controlling my frustrations is Vince. He hurts enough without that. So I am posting this for him. To help me be a better, more patient wife to him and for him because I love him dearly...
OHHHH!! BIG HUGS! Let me just point a few things out - so you can keep perspective. Being a wife is hard. Ive been with my s/o for 17 years, and married for 10 of those. Parents together for almost 7 of those. Im not mad at diabetes or neuropathy where hes concerned, but with your partner you have a soft place,somehow it becomes ok and acceptable to let it 'out' with each other. like, whipping post almost. Now you recognise it, you absolutely can change the behaviour. Regarding diabetes, I suppose my 'other' non D kids, cop it at times. Things will ease up. Vince MUST know you love and cherish him and your marriage. Take care of one another. When you are conscious of a problem, you absolutely can make changes xx. ps. takes a strong person to be humble enuf to confess faults in order to arrive at a better place.
ReplyDeleteSandy,
ReplyDeleteYou're not horrible. You're human. It often sucks being human. When we recognize our short comings, I believe we become closer to the Divine
S
I'd echo what the others have commented: You're not horrible. You are a good wife, from what I read here. Just by posting this... you are freeing these thoughts and worries and frustrations from your head and heart, and that's a very healthy thing to do. Especially in such a visible online spot for "all" of us to see and share in. That takes incredible courage, and you should be commended for that. I often reflect on this type of thing, too, when getting all bent out of shape about my health and venting internally or even at my wife. I recall what Jeff Hitchcock with Children With Diabetes has said: "Remember, diabetes is the enemy. Not you and not me. Focus and get frustrated on the true enemy." That has helped me more times than I care to admit. Life and Life With D certainly isn't fair, but we have the right to get mad about it and vent. Hope writing it out here helps. Good luck. Best your way and to Vince.
ReplyDeleteSame as the above. Your care and love of Vince inspires me daily Sandy. It is evident here. I am hopeful that Joe someday finds someone that will care for him and help shoulder the burden of "D" care a bit with him. You get frustrated, or angry, or fed-up...that is understandable. You are human. I yell at my hubby for far less. :) AND...I am loud...you've seen my VLOGs ~ hehe. I think by recognizing these feelings and frustrations you are already more than half way there to a "less-yelly" you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength. It's hard to look at yourself and admit when something needs to change.
ReplyDeleteYou're human. You have emotions...and you have needs too. Caring for everyone and everything else can easily empty your tanks...leaving the rust, dust, and grime behind.
Be gentle with yourself, and remind yourself often of your many blessings.
What more can I say? Everyone else has said it so well. Just remember that you ARE human!
ReplyDelete