Is That The Sun Coming Up?

It's 4:30AM and the beeping wakes me once again. Vince isn't responding to it and for some reason I cannot turn on the backlight. I get up and turn on the light and take a look. Low battery. Ugh. So I get up, get a new one and change it. Vince is completely out and not acting right. I try talking to him and he is just making noises. I know he isn't weak since the CGM is reading 175 but I also know he isn't acting right. I "threaten" him that if he doesn't talk to me, then I will test him. He doesn't budge. I start losing my temper since I am pretty sure he isn't low. I test him and he in fact is not low. I then try to wake him and yell at him telling him that if he doesn't talk to me, then I will call 911. He mumbles "I can't". Through more mumbling and yelling I realize his bedtime medicine has hit him hard that night and he is beyond drowsy. I am sure our neighbor in the bedroom below us loves the yelling by the way. So at this point, I yell to him to get comfortable. He knows what that means, but let me explain. When he is in pain or completely out of it from the meds, he tends to sleep with his legs bent up and his arms all over the place, or one leg off the bed. You get the idea. From this, he has fallen out of bed, so when I say get comfortable, that is exactly what I mean. He will grab the covers and adjust so he isn't moving around so much and won't fall out of bed. Once he is settled, my guilt takes over and I realize I was yelling at him again and he didn't do anything wrong. It's not his fault he is drowsy, is it? I have actually been doing really good on the yelling. My post about it, i think really really helped me, but I guess we all slip up sometimes. Knowing he is completely out of it, and won't feel me, I take him arm and hold him. I tell him I am sorry over and over. Then I roll over and get comfortable myself and try to go back to sleep. Then my thoughts get the best of me once again. Don't forget to put such and such on the grocery list. How am I ever going to get through the day on no sleep? Maybe I should get a cappuccino on the way to work. Or would a 5 hour energy work better? Is that the sun coming up? Oh no, I need sleep! That went on for a while until I finally fell asleep, but only to dream about Vince actually falling out of bed and being drowsy, haha. I can't get away from it, can I? As a side note, speaking of getting away, last weekend my sister in law took me out to lunch for a Mani and Pedi to celebrate my birthday and it was wonderful. I felt great and so relaxed! I am going to be getting mani's and pedi's regularly now!! Haha I feel guilty leaving Vince for my time alone but it is so worth it. I feel so much better, and in the end, I will have more patience for him.

1 or 2 ?

I have to say I think Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes should have completely different names. They are completely different diseases! Too many times do they get grouped together incorrectly. Can you reverse your diabetes with diet? Sure! I personally know people who have. But there is one problem. They have Type 2! Type 2 means your body is not using the insulin produced effectively. So if you cut back on the diet, there is less work for your body to do with the food and in turn it will help to correct the problem. Also if you lose weight, if that happens to be an issue, that can add to your success. Most of the time, there are all types of things Type 2's can do to help themselves. Now jump into the Type 1 world. A Type 1's pancreas is completely "broken" That darn thing is not producing any insulin for the body. So no matter how much you control your diet, when and how you eat, how much you weigh, yada yada yada, it is useless as far as any type of reversal what so ever.  The only thing that will help you is insulin. 
It is so aggravating to a Type 1 when you see commercials or magazine adds on how you can reverse your "Diabetes" with this or that diet. Do they bother to say which type? 1 or 2? Nope. How about when a Type 1 is overweight and and people just assume they should just loose weight to be healthier and fix their Diabetes? It all comes down to false advertising. People truly do not understand the difference. I know I didn't before I met Vince. Growing up, I had a distant relative who was Diabetic. I remember him saying that he really shouldn't have that dessert he wanted. But he decided to cheat and have a little bit. I thought, okay, he is Diabetic, he shouldn't have sweets and I guess I assumed he took insulin shots at one time or another. Then years later I met Vince and saw his Diabetes care and realized these are two completely different diseases and are managed differently as well. I suppose you are wondering why I am going on and on about this. Well, the other day when Vince and I were sitting in a waiting room at a doctors office, an advertisement came on their tv for Diabetes. A few minutes later they finally mentioned it was for Type 2. I was actually intrigued at first. It had to do with treatments, but as soon as I heard Type 2 I got annoyed and stopped listening. "Type 1's need help too!" I thought. Haha. Here's to hoping that advertising and such will be more clear and state Type 2 more often since most if not all of the advertising types of things you see are for Type 2.

How D Has Changed Me

How has Diabetes changed me? Considering I am not the one living with the disease, that is an odd question. I met Vince 9 years ago. I think back to that time. Did his Diabetes affect me then? Not really. He had his lows, but he felt them back then, and I helped to be sure he drank or ate something and that was about it. He was on syringes back then not the pump, so there wasn't the expenses to worry about. He also didn't have any complications, so it really didn't bother me much and I didn't think about it much. Slowly his complications became real and a few years later he became disabled. About the same time, he began using the pump and CGM sensor. Where in those years did it really start having an affect on me? Was it when he stopped feeling his lows and I saw him go unconscious? Or was it when he developed his Retinopathy and became mostly blind in his one eye and under went countless surgeries to save the rest of the eye and save his other eye. May it really started to affect me when I began to see the one I love most, struggle with pain 24/7. Not to mention the expenses incurred from the specialist doctor visits and the medication and pump supplies. Scary to think we pay as much as we do and that is with having good insurance. As those bills come in and sit on the desk and the pile get higher and higher it is stressful. We are young and on a fixed income. How will we ever get ahead? But again, how does this all affect me. My attitude and me as a person? I have noticed lately that I am becoming less patient with people that don't do the right thing in life. People that say rude or mean things to other people. I work in an office and let's just say I have no patience for office politics anymore. I go to work, sit there quietly and do my job. I have a lot on my mind so I don't always feel like chatting it up with everyone and their mother. If you don't like it, all well. I have more important things to worry about. I also don't have respect for people that don't have a care in the world about what they do or say. I used to be an easy going quiet shy person; and to a point I am still that way. But I feel like all of the stress of helping Vince to stay as healthy as humanly possible, and as comfortable as possible leaves me no patience to deal with the craziness of the world. Another thing that I have noticed is that I don't like to go out anymore by myself without Vince. Other than going to work, I want to be with him 24/7. I am pretty sure deep down, it's because I think one day something bad will happen to him. I am always having dreams at night that we are apart or I am not with him and I am just so upset that I lost him. I know not wanting to go out is not a depression issue because I am truly happy. Stressed but happy nonetheless. One thing that has become prevalent is my anxiety. Anxiety also runs in my family so I am not sure if it has developed as I am getting older because of genetics or if it is because of the stress of my daily life. Ether way, I don't like it. I don't like having to take a small pill when I am freaking out about nothing or I am feeling guilty about nothing just to feel normal. It's a low dose medication that I really don't take often, but I still don't like it. So, all that being said, I know I need to get out more to take a "time out" and as much as I like the idea, when it comes time to do it, I don't want to. I feel guilty for leaving Vince home, feel guilty for other people who take me out for having pity on me, and feel guilty for feeling guilty. See the problem? I guess, as I have said in the past, I am aware of my issues, so that is a very good thing. I just need to figure out a way to deal with them. 

Loving My Blog

I have been thinking a lot about my blog lately. It has served as a great tool to meet new people, vent my feelings, explain our crazy life to people who want to learn and understand, as well as a great place to keep a record of what is happening. I have also noticed that by blogging, I am learning a lot of what is going on in the D world. New "inventions" and new research and such. Although I am not sure a cure will not be found in Vince's lifetime, it is intersting to see the road to a possible cure one day. The more I am reading and talking to Vince, the more he is getting interested as well. Up until now, he just focused on the day to day care, which isn't a bad thing by far. But now when I tell him about an interesting fact or find that I come across, he is interested as well. He gets excited about new finds like his CGM. Although this was found before our blogging life, it is still an example of him getting "excited" about what new things are out there for him.
I glanced at my recent posts on the right hand side. It look like maybe we had a decent month in May? Not too many posts. Was this because there was a lot of medical happenings going on? I don't know, but it is interesting. I think about a few years down the line, and going back and reading what was happening to us in 2011. Where will we be then? Will we be better off? Or will Vince be in just as much pain and discomfort as he is today? What new worries will we or I have on our shoulders? I can predict a few but let's leave it to life and see what else falls in our laps.

Another Attempt

Here's to another attempt at trying to organize Vince's daily supplies that he leaves lying around the house. We have his main supply stash organized pretty well, but his supplies that he needs throughout the day are always scattered throughout the living room! I think this will work for now. Notice the test strip laying next to the bin? Ah Ha! They aren't all being put in that nice water bottle! Caught you Vince!

An Interesting Find

I thought I would share what I found this evening in the living room. At least they are all in one spot, instead of scattered throughout the house, right? Who am I kidding. They are all over. I found some in the car the other day! HaHa! Never mind the fact that by keeping bottled water in the house, he is drinking 300% more water than before!!! Go bottled water!!! LOL

Problem VS paranoia

Today Vince had an appointment with a pulminologist for his wheezing. I came home from work with plenty of time to get there on time. About 30 mins before leaving he asked me to help him put his socks and shoes on. As I was, I noticed his one toe was purple. I freaked out. It looked like his toe/foot was starting to die. A scary thing for a diabetic with neuropathy. I grabbed the phone and called his podiatrist and explained what I saw. As I was on hold waiting to see when they could see him, Vince remembered he stubbed his toe a day or two ago. I said well that looks awfully bad. You should have it checked anyway. We had about 30 minutes before we had to leave for the pulminologist appoint. Luckily the podiatrist is about 1/4 mile down the street from our house so we were able to jump in the car and race over. They took us right away. Luckily they know us and us and squeezed him in. The doctor took one look and said it seems okay but let's get an X-ray to be sure it's not broken. X-ray came back fine. Apparently he just bruised the heck out of the darn thing. That was almost the doctors exact words. Haha I asked the doctor how we would know the difference between a bruise and something worse and he said using there is swelling and more redness if an infection was killing the toe or foot but it is always better to get it checked just in case. He said that also happens more when there are circulation issues, but they check his circulation at his check ups and so far so good. So within 30 mins, we saw the doctor, got an X-ray, got the results, and we were sent on our way to the pulminologist. I thanked them perfusely for getting us in and out in time for the next appointment. At the pulminologist they did some breathing tests and took notes on Vince's history. I really liked that doctor. He said I don't believe it is asthma since it is more of a noisy wheezing than an actual shortness of breath, so I don't want to put you on more medicine than you are already on. I thanked him for that. He said it is probably combo of post nasal drip and the extra weight Vince has causing the symptoms. He gave Vince a simple machine to measure his breaths at home. He just blows into it once or twice a day and writes the results. After 6 weeks or so we will go back and talk about the findings. Overall, not a bad day for the docs! We have decided that me checking his feet every few days isn't enough. I told him he HAS to have me take a look every single day. I may forget so it's up to him to ask me. We probably would have noted his toe yesterday if I had checked them everyday since he can't see his feet in detail too well.

Shouldn't Chose Sleeping Over Beeping!

Here is the rundown of yet another morning in the Floyd household:
 
5:30AM: Beep Beep Beep Vince doesn’t seem to hear the pump going off and I chose to ignore the warning. I love my sleep, what can I say? Buzzzzz Buzzzzzz Vince is still not hearing it and now it is vibrating the bed so I am forced to take a look. 85 and steady. Back to sleep I go.
 
6:00AM: Beep Beep Beep Again Vince isn’t hearing it or responding to it. I take a look and still running pretty steady at around 79. I know I only have 45 mins of sleep left before work so I chose to ignore the warning sign once again and roll over and go back to dreamland.
 
6:40AM: Beep Beep Beep At this point, I only have 5 mins of sleep left so I decide to get up and check his sugar. I wait for the result 5 4 3 2 1 …. And I see 40 on the meter in front of me. I quickly try to wake him up. I tell him he is 40 and ask him if he feels low and he said no, he feels fine. I run to the kitchen, get him a cup of sweet tea and take it to him and tell him to gulp it quick since he has probably been low for a while; so he does and he assures me is feels okay and goes back to sleep.
 
7:30AM: I am about to leave for work so I check him again. Another poke of the poor fingers. 85 is the result. Ok, we are good. I wake him to tell him the result and I leave for work.
 
9:00AM: I call him to check on him and ask him to check his sugar to be sure it stayed up. He is already awake and says he will call me right back with the result.
 
9:05AM: He lets me know his number is 122. Perfect! Now I know he should be good, until the next check in around lunch time at least.

Emotionally Affected

Diabetes is not fair to relationships. That statement can mean so many things but I am speaking of the emotional side to relationships. I feel that I cannot be mad or upset with Vince for any extended period of time. This would be mostly when I am not with him, such as on a work day or when he is sleeping. Why am I afraid to stay annoyed or mad? Well, in my mind, the following examples arise. What if we go to sleep mad or upset or annoyed and something happens in his sleep and he doesn’t wake up? What if I am at work and I am annoyed at him and I don’t make sure it is resolved and something happens to him by the time I get home? This is pretty silly, but it is a true feeling inside me. Granted, we don’t fight too often and when we do, we are generally quick to resolve the situation, but the thought is still in the back of my mind. I suppose it goes back to one of my previous posts of feeling paranoid that something is always going to go wrong with him. I think having had a few bad episodes (or situations) in the past has made me feel this way. Thinking before some of those times, I don’t remembering being paranoid about these things.

A Day-In-The-Life Of A Diabetic's Wife - Sandy Style

I thought of doing this post as a way for people to get a glimpse into my daily routine to show people how busy our life is, but yet how scheduled it is. We do the same thing everyday to avoid any catastrophes or excess pain for Vince. I won't go into as much detail on the physical help or things I do for him (because of this neuropathy) because that is to hard to put into words. But just remember, a lot of what I help with (like helping his with his pump site change) is due to the retinopathy and neuropathy issues. Also, not mentioned, is during all of the phone calls, i am silently playing detective to see if he is low and not realizing it. I can almost always tell by the tone of his voice and how he acts. Doing this has made me aware of a problem situation time and time again. I won't hold back, so as crazy as it may look or sound, it is real for me.

A typical weekday:

6:45AM: Alarm goes off for me to get up for work. I get ready and check Vince's pump number most mornings. The only time I won't check his CGM is if we were watching it throughout the night, and from that, I can sometimes tell how his readings are by the time I wake up. I may or may not do a finger stick to confirm the reading and bolus him (if I haven't waken him by this point) for a correction. Of course I shove iced tea or soda down his throat if he is hovering on the low side. I make sure his cell phone is next to him as well as the house phone so that he can hear when I call in case he is sleeping. He has been known to sleep through the phone ringing.

9:30AM: I have been at work for an hour by this point and I am thinking about calling him but I know it's too early so I make myself wait. And yes, I think about it almost everyday at this time.

10:00-10:30AM: I make my first check in call of the day. Most of the time I wake him up. I ask him if his sugar is high or low and if either, what he has done to treat it. I tell him if i had to correct him before I left that morning and he was still sleeping, so that he is aware of what I did. I tell him I will call him later. By later, he knows when that will be.

12:00-1:00PM: I call Vince to check in for lunch. I ask him again how his sugar is and if he has eaten lunch yet. You might wonder why I keep asking such details. First, it is in case an emergency happens while I am away at work. This way I will know what his sugar has been doing all day and will be more of a help if a situation arises. Second, I have to admit, I am a paranoid wife, but with reason. But mostly the first reason.

2:00-3:00PM: I call Vince or he calls me before he lays down to take his nap for the afternoon. Again, we quickly go over how his sugar is running and I remind him (for my own piece of mind) to eat or drink something if we know a low could come on within the next few hours during his nap. I let him know if I am doing any errands on the way home or if I will be right home after work. If I will be home late, sometimes he will lay down a little later so he isn't sleeping to long.

5:40PM: I usually arrive home at this time from work and go to the bedroom to find him sleeping with the cat in bed and the tv on (to help him fall asleep) I turn off the tv and tell him I am home. He wakes up and we discuss dinner. After dinner, every other day, we do a site change for his insulin pump.

9:00PM: I normally go to bed around this time. I check to be sure his cell phone is fully charged and that the house phones are on the charges to be sure they are charging through the night. Cant have the phones going dead while I am at work! I remind him to take his medicine and to "be careful" whatever this means, I don't always know, but I feel better saying it and he understands. We have a lot of silent understanding of each other. While trying to fall asleep, my mind begins to run. All over the place. What did I need to write down on the grocery list? What was that I idea for that blog post? What are we doing tomorrow or this coming weekend? Anything and everything. I usually force myself to begin counting backwards from 100-1 to clear my mind and try to go to sleep. I start at 100, instead of say 10 or 20, because some nights, I need all the numbers I can get. It usually works and I can get to sleep. I mention this because I am pretty sure it is stress related ;)

12:00AM-6:45AM: This is normally when Vince is in bed with me. We may or may not have the pump beeping at us through the night. It all depends on how his readings are. Whichever one of us hears it first will take a look and take action if needed. I have to admit, he has gotten much better at waking up and hearing it. The darn thing isn't loud enough...Also, depending on his pain, he may shake or jerk his body around during sleep, but lately it hasn't been to bad.

A typical Weekend:

Saturday is our errand day. We normally wake up and go grocery shopping and run any other errands that need to be done. Then we come home and relax. That is the gist of it, although, of course weekends tend to vary. All of the sugar and pump checking continue throughout the day, just with less phone calls obviously than during the week. Sunday morning, I have to refill his weekly pill box as it is emptied by this point. If I get lazy, then he will just get the pills from the supply drawer, but I don't always like that because he could forget some or drop some and not realize it since he doesn't have a lot of feeling in his hands (other than pain anyway) We try to stay home and relax on Sundays as well, as long as there isn't anything special going on. I try to get things done around the house, although I have to admit, even getting off the couch to do the wash or any cleaning is too tiring some of the time. (mostly a mental tired feeling) I just try to relax as much as possible on the weekends, in order to get ready for a new week.

A Great Tip!

While reading someone's blog, I came across a tip that I thought would be very useful for Vince (and I when I am nursing him back from an episode). Of course I have no memory lately so I cannot remember where I read this so I can't give anyone credit for the great tip. Anyway, they suggested buying a powdered form of glucose. I knew it came in tablet, liquid and gel form, but not powder form. I will be looking for this tomorrow at the store! They suggested to add the powder to boost a glass of juice or sweetened tea in the even of a low episode. The point behind doing this is that, a lot of times, in Vince's case, he doesn't want to drink an entire cup or even two, of juice or soda. If you boost it with the glucose powder then you will get more sugar in a smaller amount of liquid that you have to consume! I also think this would come in handy, in the event Vince is not able to drink completely on his own. If I am pouring the drink in his mouth or desperately trying to get him to drink while he is "out of it", he won't have to force so much liquid down to do the job! He is also dealing with an appitite issue lately as a side effect from some medicine. Sometimes, his appetite is so bad that it makes his nausea come and go and the thought of drinking a cup or two of sugar is not what he would call enjoyable. If he used the powder to boost the drink, he wouldn't have to consume so much! Great tip that we will definatley use!

To Carb or Not To Carb

I am not a fan of the rule “must have fast acting sugar along with slow acting carbs” for a low reaction. In the past, before CGM days, I had called the paramedics a few times for bad lows when Vince went unconscious. They insisted he have slow acting carbs in addition to fast acting carbs. If we refused transport to the hospital, which we did because once his sugar was up he was fine of course, they require to see you consume the slow carbs before they leave. Also, I put this in quotes because everyone responds to diabetic care in a different way. I believe paramedics are trained in immediate diabetic care, not the long term care, which comes into play when over correcting. In Vince, most of the time this rule results in over correcting and a very high number hours later that he is chasing with a bolus to get back down. Normally, especially with his CGM tracking his numbers, if he is low, he will have a cup or two of soda or juice to bring up his low. This normally brings it up to a decent number and he is good to go. One of the only times he eats carbs with the sugar, such as a sandwich or crackers of some type, is if the low is near mealtime and he is going to be eating anyway, or if he is active, say at the beach and is sweating a lot.
Last night (early morning) his CGM starting beeping low. He tested and he was running about 50. I got him a cup and a half of sweetened iced tea, he gulped that down, and we went back to bed. I woke up for work and realized he was not in bed. He said he got up earlier and was still low so he had a “carb filled” snack/breakfast to boost him up. He knew this was more than he would need so he gave himself a small bolus for the food. When I left for work, he still had active insulin in his system and it had been a few hours since he ate. This made me nervous, coming off a low, so I reminded him I would call him in a few hours to be sure he was okay. When I checked in with him later in the morning, he was 165. Not bad for all the correcting and eating going on.
Just a reminder to us to pay close attention to details and always treat each situation as needed. A one-time fix such as, “always eat xxx food when your low” doesn’t work.

An Interesting Find Brings More Questions

I just looked up Joslin Diabetes research thanks to Michael's comment. It is a very interesting site. They even have a section where people that have lived 25 or more years with diabetes can share their story. The first one I happened to read was a person that was diagnosed in 1949! Yes, 1949. They explained that they do not have any complications. How is that possible? You cannot tell me that the care back then was great. You had to boil your needles for petes sake! You can't tell me that if they HAD tested A1C which I highly doubt, that it would have been in an acceptable range. So going back to my previous post, and listing the reasons why we think vince MAY have complications, doesn't make sense. Even if he didn't see an Endo as a child and may not have had the lowest A1C's as a child, that still makes zero sense. It is driving me crazy. I hope they find more research and answers, but better yet, a cure to neuropathy; the one complication that has completely disabled him.

A Special Case?

Last night I took some time to really search for other Type 3 blogs; people who care for a diabetic. As usual, most were parents of a diabetic. I did come across one or two that were about their significant other and the struggles they face while helping to care for their diabetic partners and how they dealt with the constant diabetes care. What I have yet to find is another spouse that is around my age that deals with the types of things I deal with. I say around our age because that plays a big part. Sure older people have complications. That is "considered the norm" But it seems that Vince and I are more special than I thought. Special how? Well, just to start with, I have yet to find in all of the people I have connected with, someone being diagnosed as young as Vince. He was diagnosed at 6 months old. Very very rare. I have met people whose child was diagnosed as a baby, but no one has "beaten" his 6 month mark. Even all of his doctors are amazed still to this day when we remind them how old he was when he was diagnosed. On to his complications. I have not connected with anyone that is around our age (late 20s - early 30s) that has as many complications as Vince does. Why does he have so many complications? We ask ourselves this from time to time. He looks back to his care as a child. He saw his pediatrician for his diabetic care until around the age of 16. That is probably one factor. Pediatricians are not trained to handle the specifics of Diabetes. Then he began seeing an Endocrinologist around age 17 or so. He began to use his first Minimed insulin pump.  After a year or so, he had to go back to injections because the pump was causing infections on and under his skin. He stayed on shots for a few years after. As with any child growing up with diabetes, he had a few years in his teen/young adult life that he wasn't as diligent with his care as he should have been. But these years were short and he soon took charge, all the while, his A1C's remained near what they are today; 6-7%. So all of that being said, we are left with the same question and no answer: why does he have so many complications? His complications began in his mid 20s and became more prevalent by 30. I am sure a few of the factors I have mentioned have contributed, but I refuse to believe that they are the sole reason he is so sick today. There is a small part of me that believes he may just be "one in a million" with this disease. Diagnosed so young and dealing with so many serious complications so young. I just have yet to find another story even similar to ours. Yes, it is more than comforting to connect with the DOC. It has done me wonders. But at the end of the day I am still left frustrated that once again, we seem to be in this category all alone. 

Minute by Minute, Hour by Hour

I have a great example of no rhyme or reason when it comes to managing Diabetes. In the last 24-48 hours, Vince’s sugars have been AWESOME! He has been running between 80 and 120 for 12 hour stretches. Last night before I went to bed, I took a look at his pump. I knew he was running on the lower side and wanted to make sure he wasn’t trending too low before I went to sleep. I asked him what he has been doing different when I saw the great numbers again. The only thing we could think that even might have caused the good numbers is that he was not eating greasy, fatty foods. These food can cause high numbers because of the oils. But I couldn’t even say that was it completely that because there was one meal in there that was greasy. So we still didn’t have an answer to the good readings, but as normal, we just took the good and went about our business. This morning before work, I checked his pump and he read 285! I woke him up to test and bolus for a correction. I asked him if he ate anything before bed and he said no. He said he was that high when he laid down and he took a correction. Apparently, it didn’t lower it any. I am confident that it will come back down in a few hours. It always does! But why were his numbers so great and then all the sudden so bad? He does the same thing pretty much every day so we can’t relate it to activity. Also, his pain was about the same for the last few days so it’s probably not related to pain or stress. Sometimes, there is just no explanation with the managing of sugar levels when it comes to Diabetes. You never know what you will get day to day, which is what causes a lot of the stress. No matter how much you “manage” it, how much you are on top of it hour to hour, minute to minute, you will still have periods that you can’t control, good and bad and that is the scary part. A good situation can turn bad in minutes.

Not an easy one to post but here goes...

I realized something recently. Maybe I didn't just realize it. Maybe I am just admitting it to myself. I am angry. Angry at our stresses. I am taking it out on Vince. I hate this. I am always yelling at him. Yelling at him to "quick, sit down!" when he his legs are shaky and weak and he is about to fall. Yelling at him to "just stop! why do you keep trying when your shaking that bad?" when he is trying to type on the computer and his hands are shaking uncontrollably. Why am I yelling at him?? I am not mad at him. I don't mean to yell. But I do. I hate myself for it. I have been trying to stop myself as much as I can. I  realize that I am mad at his medical problems, not him. It's almost as if when I see him physically hurting or being limited physically, it makes me mad that it has happened and this is how it comes out.
So now I am mad at Neuropathy and I am mad at myself for taking it out on him. I suppose I don't yell as much as I think, or else I think our marriage wouldn't be so strong. But I still feel so guilty. He asks me, begs me, all the time to just stop yelling. I feel horrible. I need to find a better way to cope and deal because it's just not fair to him. I feel like such a horrible wife. Even as I write this out. Writing this down on "paper" I am feeling more guilty with every word I type. Maybe I needed to write it down. Maybe it will help me come to realization within myself that it's not right and not fair to yell through my frustrations. I hope I am more successful in trying to be more calm, because he doesn't deserve this. Any of it; the neuropathy, diabetes, or a mad wife.
When I talk to him about it, he says he completely understands why I yell and get frustrated. He has even said he doesn't know how I work 40 hours a week and take care of him and the house. He says he understands why I am frustrated and yell, he just wishes I wouldn't take it out on him, even though he knows I don't mean to. As I am trying to think of a way to end this post, and I am questioning if I should actually post it to my blog. Do I want everyone to know that I am angry and I yell sometimes? No. I don't. But I think if I post it, then maybe it will become more real in my mind, and maybe it will help me to stop and have more patience. Because the only one I am hurting by not controlling my frustrations is Vince. He hurts enough without that. So I am posting this for him. To help me be a better, more patient wife to him and for him because I love him dearly...

I would like to hear this everyday!

I went to the bedroom and awoke Vince from his nap. As we started to walk through the house, he stopped and I turned around. He smiled and said, "Oh I feel good!" I said "you do?" He said "yeah, my legs feel great"...it makes me wonder why he can't feel that great more often. What triggers the good and the bad? Well, we take what we can get, so it's a good day for him :)

Decent Days

My last post was so depressing. It was the morning I had. Waking up to that is depressing. But within a few hours I got busy in my work and I soon "forgot" about it. Okay, more like, I shoved it in the way back of my mind. So on to something more cheery, Vince has been feeling decent with the summer weather we have had! He is still decreasing the Lyrica slowly and it hasn't seemed to make a difference, so on we will go with that plan and see how he does by the time we hit zero. One less medication, seven whole pills less in his daily mix, will be great if it works! Oh and one more thing, on a side note, his sugars have been decent during the night. He is a big night time high person and every time the doctor tries to adjust his basal settings for the night time highs, he goes low. It seems for the moment at least, they got the basal right and he has been running decent at night. I hope I don't jinx it by writing this! His CGM actually has beeping a lot through the night since his sugar has been hovering around 80-100 but i dont mind waking up to that sound, knowing he okay. They have his low alarm set at 80-100 since he doesn't feel his lows, and that setting will give him enough time to react. So dealing with some beeping but otherwise, having some decent days, for now. Hoping for a great weekend. Our nieces birthdays are being celebrated on Sunday. I am hoping that Vince is still feeling decent enough to go. He missed seeing them last time because he wasnt feeling good. I am sure he will be able to go this time!

The Reoccurring Dream, No, Nightmare

I awoke with a very frightening, sad, and scared feeling this morning. I have these mornings every now and then. I am wondering if it is just me or if the rest of the DOC experiences this. It is the dream of the diabetic in your life dying. My dreams are normally vague and all over the place so there isn’t a lot of detail. I just remember crying nonstop because Vince was slowly dying. He looked fine and okay, but I knew that he was dying. Soon I wasn’t going to have him anymore. That was the extent of the actual dream, but it left me with a horrible feeling this morning as I was getting ready for work. Vince was actually awake and I told him about. He chuckled and said as he always does, “I’m not going anywhere.” I hugged him a million times before leaving for work. He just kept telling me that he wasn’t going anywhere. On the drive to work, I was still thinking about the dream. What would happen if I lost him? Who would hold me and comfort me? He is the one that does that. How would I ever go on? How would I return home and live in our house with our cat? Everything last thing in my life is around him and us. What would happen if he was gone one day? Then I have to remind myself to snap out of it. He is sick, but healthy. He sees the doctors regularly and has his entire body and organs checked each time. We are doing everything possible to keep him as healthy as we can. He’s not dying, right? Seeing him sick day after day, it must be twisted in the back of my mind that he is slowly dying. It’s HORRIBLE! I know he isn’t! I just don’t know what I would do without him.