Saturday, June 25, 2011
How D Has Changed Me
How has Diabetes changed me? Considering I am not the one living with the disease, that is an odd question. I met Vince 9 years ago. I think back to that time. Did his Diabetes affect me then? Not really. He had his lows, but he felt them back then, and I helped to be sure he drank or ate something and that was about it. He was on syringes back then not the pump, so there wasn't the expenses to worry about. He also didn't have any complications, so it really didn't bother me much and I didn't think about it much. Slowly his complications became real and a few years later he became disabled. About the same time, he began using the pump and CGM sensor. Where in those years did it really start having an affect on me? Was it when he stopped feeling his lows and I saw him go unconscious? Or was it when he developed his Retinopathy and became mostly blind in his one eye and under went countless surgeries to save the rest of the eye and save his other eye. May it really started to affect me when I began to see the one I love most, struggle with pain 24/7. Not to mention the expenses incurred from the specialist doctor visits and the medication and pump supplies. Scary to think we pay as much as we do and that is with having good insurance. As those bills come in and sit on the desk and the pile get higher and higher it is stressful. We are young and on a fixed income. How will we ever get ahead? But again, how does this all affect me. My attitude and me as a person? I have noticed lately that I am becoming less patient with people that don't do the right thing in life. People that say rude or mean things to other people. I work in an office and let's just say I have no patience for office politics anymore. I go to work, sit there quietly and do my job. I have a lot on my mind so I don't always feel like chatting it up with everyone and their mother. If you don't like it, all well. I have more important things to worry about. I also don't have respect for people that don't have a care in the world about what they do or say. I used to be an easy going quiet shy person; and to a point I am still that way. But I feel like all of the stress of helping Vince to stay as healthy as humanly possible, and as comfortable as possible leaves me no patience to deal with the craziness of the world. Another thing that I have noticed is that I don't like to go out anymore by myself without Vince. Other than going to work, I want to be with him 24/7. I am pretty sure deep down, it's because I think one day something bad will happen to him. I am always having dreams at night that we are apart or I am not with him and I am just so upset that I lost him. I know not wanting to go out is not a depression issue because I am truly happy. Stressed but happy nonetheless. One thing that has become prevalent is my anxiety. Anxiety also runs in my family so I am not sure if it has developed as I am getting older because of genetics or if it is because of the stress of my daily life. Ether way, I don't like it. I don't like having to take a small pill when I am freaking out about nothing or I am feeling guilty about nothing just to feel normal. It's a low dose medication that I really don't take often, but I still don't like it. So, all that being said, I know I need to get out more to take a "time out" and as much as I like the idea, when it comes time to do it, I don't want to. I feel guilty for leaving Vince home, feel guilty for other people who take me out for having pity on me, and feel guilty for feeling guilty. See the problem? I guess, as I have said in the past, I am aware of my issues, so that is a very good thing. I just need to figure out a way to deal with them.